partnership
Yesterday was our eighth wedding anniversary, which means we’ve been together for sixteen years, nearly half our lives. We’ve essentially grown up together, which has given us some unique lessons on how to grow in partnership, individually and together.
Marriage or romantic partnership feels like a combination of luck and effort. I feel lucky that Chema and I continue to grow towards each other. I feel lucky to have a partner who sees me deeply and encourages me daily to be the best and most expansive version of myself. At the same time, we are careful with each other’s hearts and hopes and dreams. I think of our marriage like a tree, whose branches grow individually, but whose roots intertwine as they nourish each other. We tend the same soil.
Here are eight lessons I’ve learned in eight years of marriage, plus one to grow on:
Don’t expect your partner to be the same person they were when you met or married them. Just as you will inevitably change with time, so will your partner. Boxing someone into who they were (positive or negative) is limiting and doesn’t allow you to see the ways they’re changing and growing.
When things get hard (which they will), remember that you’re on the same team. At the end of the day, if you’re on the same team, it doesn’t matter who apologizes first. I’ve found remembering we’re on the same team allows me to let go of certain narratives that inherently pit us against each other.
Be on their team publicly. For me, this shows up as not putting them down in front of other people for a laugh, and not bringing private elements of our relationship into public spaces.
Choosing my partner daily also means aligning my actions with my values. For a long time, my stated values would tell you I prioritized family over work. But my actions—staying late at work, responding to emails at all hours of the night, choosing my phone or work over quality time together—would tell you (and told him) differently.
Communicate openly. But first, make sure vulnerability is welcome. To keep vulnerability alive, listen to their hopes and fears when they come to you, without shutting them down. Make time to be present. Otherwise, they’ll learn you’re not a safe space for vulnerability.
Avoid locking each other into certain roles (e.g., your partner is always the strong one, or you are always the decisive one). Esther Perel has a great way of thinking about this called “splitting the ambivalence.” She speaks about it on Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast here (free on Spotify).
Seek and nourish other relationships outside of your partnership. It can be taxing for a romantic partner to feel like they have to be everything—therapist and friend and lover and mentor—spreading those needs across multiple relationships eases some of that burden.
Keep wonder and wildness alive. Be curious about your partner. Keep growing individually and keep nurturing the soil beneath your roots so that as you grow, you are reaching towards the same sky.
Let go of the rest. Life is short. We don’t know how much time we have together. So don’t sweat the small stuff.
What does partnership look like to you?
What lessons have you learned in marriage or partnership?